The Cheese Emergency Hotline

Once, a long, long time ago, we all used to go out without wearing masks and performing the Covid Leap. In those days, you could book a restaurant and have dinner out, saving on cooking and washing up. As 4^th July approaches, I wonder what scenes we’ll see on our streets. Brawls in bistros? Clashes in cafés? Terseness in trattorias? Who knows?

Pre-lock down, on the rare occasions I went out to eat, I would always order the cheeseboard rather than pudding. I’m not a massive fan of desserts. Cheese, however, is surely one of the greatest culinary inventions ever. Maybe one of the reasons I like it so much is that my writer’s eye is caught by the many wonderfully named varieties. Who wouldn’t titter when invited to partake of Bob’s Organic Knob? (A real cheese. I kid you not). The Stinking Bishop is a lively little number, washed in perry and liable to ooze its way clean off the cheeseboard, like an oleaginous serpent. From the same stable as the Bishop comes Slack Ma Girdle, wrapped in nettles. Ticklemore is made in baskets, giving it an unusual dimpled exterior.

Before the pandemic hit, I spent a good deal of my time meeting potential clients and advising them on menus (for those of you who don’t know, I run a catering business). I’d often recommend a lovely local cheese platter to follow the main course. I don’t know what it is about British folk, but having eaten heartily of tapas and paella, they’d sink into garden chairs sighing, “I genuinely couldn’t eat another thing!” As soon as I appeared with the fromage platters, however, they’d leap to their feet crying, “Cheese!” with huge delight. They would then fall on the magnificent display as if they hadn’t eaten for a week.

It’s not just the cheese itself I love, it’s what goes with it. I discovered years ago that dried apricots and crumbly cheese taste great together. We pair hard sheep’s milk cheese Manchego with membrillo (quince jelly). A fig paste also goes well with most cheeses.

Since March, I’ve been shopping for my family, my elderly parents and my mother in law and her husband. Wickham Market has a mini market on Wednesdays and Saturdays, plus the fabulous butcher’s shop EW Revett and Son on the Hill. A visit to Revetts’ is always an absolute pleasure. I can be assured of top-quality banter on the butchery side, whereas crossing over to the deli is more of a serene experience, as I choose just the right cheese, pies and cakes. It was there that I first sampled Blacksticks Blue. Gosh, it’s yummy.

The cheese stall at the market is also awash with good things. Over thirty years ago when I worked in the catering department at the University of Exeter, we used to serve cheeseboards at lots of our functions. Sage Derby, a pleasingly pale green cheese with black rind was a firm favourite. After I left Exeter, I didn’t see it again, so imagine my delight when it popped up on the cheese stall. The lady serving and I had a long and impassioned discussion about cheese. Yesterday, when I popped over to stock up on Sage Derby, she told me that she’d sold lots of it since my initial purchase. I asked her if I could nick the phrase she used, and she said yes.

“I didn’t know anything about Sage Derby until you told me about it. You’ve opened my eyes to a whole new world.”

Now, that might sound a bit OTT. We are talking about cheese here. But it’s true. Talking about food is almost as much fun as eating it. Almost. And it is a world in itself.

Back in March, the stall was selling something calling itself, “The Emergency Cheese Box.” I laughed and snapped one up for my husband’s birthday. I really like the idea of cheese purveyors being an emergency service. Hence the title of this blog.

The emergency vehicle would be Cheddar yellow, with a picture of a large piece of Cambridge Blue on the side. If there were flashing lights (and I feel that there would have to be), they would be a deep, Red Leicester colour. The driver and his partner would be fully equipped with oatcakes, cheese knives for emergency surgery, grapes, dried apricots and every cheese under the sun. They would dash about the countryside attending to cheese emergencies and return home, smelling faintly of Somerset Brie and with a warm glow of satisfaction at a job well done.

If I had to choose, my top three favourite cheeses would be:

Cambridge Blue

Sage Derby

Cornish Yarg

What are yours?